When we talk about the surrogacy experience, it is typically from the perspective of the Surrogate. But surrogacy impacts the entire family, not just the woman carrying the baby. Having a committed partner to support her along the way and share in the experience of helping intended parents create their family makes the journey even more special.
We recently asked the husbands of three of our surrogates and dedicated team members at Egg Donor & Surrogate Solutions to share their perspectives on surrogacy – their initial thoughts, how it impacted their family, what it was like to support their wives through a surrogate pregnancy, the best part of the journey, and what advice they have for other men whose wives are considering surrogacy.
Thank you to these men for sharing their thoughts and experiences.
Brian Best
Brian and his wife, Barette, have two boys. Barette is Brand & Marketing Specialist at Egg Donor & Surrogate Solutions. She has completed two surrogacy journeys, and is currently in the beginning of her third surrogate pregnancy for a dear family friend.
Robert Sanchez
Robert and his wife, Angela, have three grown children. Angela is the Surrogacy Coordination Manager at Egg Donor & Surrogate Solutions and a three-time surrogate. She decided to become a surrogate once her children were
teenagers.
Blake Encalade
Blake and his wife, Katy, have three children. Katy is the owner and Executive Director of Egg Donor & Surrogate Solutions and has completed one surrogacy journey.
What were your initial thoughts when your wife told you she wanted to be a surrogate?
Brian: I didn’t know anything about surrogacy and had never considered it before, but my wife did a lot of research and shared the information with me. I thought it sounded like a great way for us to help another family that couldn’t have a baby on their own.
Robert: My first thought was exactly how does this process happen, which I think is the first question a lot of guys have. But I knew in the back of mind what the process was and what it entailed, and I knew it was something my wife really wanted to do. So, my initial reaction was ‘wow, that’s really cool!’
Blake: My wife called me from TJ Maxx (she had just gotten off the phone with Gayle Garrett, who was the owner of Surrogate Solutions at the time) and said, “What do you think about me being a surrogate?” It seemed crazy and a little bit out of left field, but my wife is someone who loves to be a blessing to other people and make a difference in their lives. Surrogacy seemed like a cool way to do that, so we figured “why not?” At the time, I didn’t understand the full scope of the gift we were giving, but it seemed like a cool thing to do.
How did surrogacy impact you and your family?
Brian: It was a great experience for our family. We explained to our children what Mommy was doing by carrying a baby for another family, so that when they started to see her body changing there wouldn’t be any confusion about what was going on. We were up front with them right away to let them know that this was a very important thing Mommy was doing to help another family that couldn’t have a baby on their own.
Robert: I remember what it was like with each of our three children – the appointments, the morning sickness, and thinking about how our lives would change knowing we were going to be parents for the first, second or third time. The biggest impact for us was getting to experience that from the perspective of the intended parents and seeing how they were impacted emotionally when they would see pictures of my wife pregnant with their child, see the sonograms, or touch my wife’s belly and feel the baby kick. Those things really made me realize that there are people who desperately want this gift [to have a child] and for whatever reason they can’t. That’s just not something you think about until someone you know, in this case my wife, goes through this willingly to help someone else. You realize what a blessing it is for that family.
Blake: Surrogacy was an incredible experience. My wife and I both say it is the best thing we have ever done as a family. We bought a children’s book that uses the illustration of kangaroos and their pouches to introduce the idea of surrogacy to our kids. They had quite a few questions, but they were very excited. In my opinion, it was an incredible display of selflessness and generosity to our children –two things we as a family value a great deal. And in the end, we gained some incredible friends (the intended parents) who, while they live a few hours away, we see a few times a year and are like family to us.
How did you support your wife during her surrogate pregnancy?
Brian: Supporting my wife through this awesome journey was great. We treated it like her pregnancies with our own two children. I gave her the mental support she needed to help her get through it. Injecting her with the shots was different for us. I went with her to the appointment where we learned how to do the injections and read through the instructions with her to make sure we were doing it correctly.
Robert: Apart from the injections, the support I gave my wife during her surrogate pregnancies was the same as with our own children – helping her in and out of the car, making sure her stress level was down, and offering emotional support when needed. With her surrogate pregnancies, it was also important for me to be an advocate [for surrogacy]. People don’t realize all the questions husbands get about surrogacy. I don’t think it’s meant in a bad way, but you get jokes like “so your wife is carrying someone else’s kid…how does that happen?” I always take it in stride, but I also make it a point to be an advocate by explaining what surrogacy is and the importance of it when someone doesn’t understand.
Blake: Other than giving her injections in the beginning, it wasn’t that much different than supporting her throughout her pregnancies with our own children. My wife had easy pregnancies. From time to time, I would remind her why she was doing it and the amazing thing she was doing for another family.
What was the best part of the surrogacy experience?
Brian: The best part is the relationship we developed with the family. Everything from reading their story at the beginning to the doctor appointments to them seeing the first sonogram picture of the baby was great. We went through this journey with a family we had never met before. We spoke on the phone a few times, then met them in person and ended up becoming friends with them. The saddest part was the end of the journey because it was such an awesome experience.
Robert: The connections and friendships we have created with the families my wife carried for is the best part. We still talk to all the parents and get to see the kids, who are now in their toddler years, continue to grow. That’s the biggest thing – if you have a good connection with the couple (or whoever you are doing this for), the lifelong connection and friendship that can develop is the coolest part of this experience.
Blake: My wife gave birth to her surro baby in the same hospital where she delivered our three kids. It was a fairly new hospital, and she was one of the first surrogates to give birth there. It was a big deal in the labor and delivery department because the staff had limited experience with surrogate deliveries. There were a lot more doctors and nurses present for that delivery than when she had our kids. I think they just wanted to be there to witness it and be involved in some way. When the baby was born and the parents got to hold their little boy for the first time, there was not a dry eye in the room. It was the coolest and most beautiful moment I have ever experienced in my life.
What advice do you have for husbands whose wives are considering surrogacy or beginning their first surrogacy journey?
Brian: My advice to anyone starting the surrogacy journey is to do your research. Find out all the information you can and research any questions you have.
Robert: Understand why you are doing this, but not for yourself or for your wife. Think about it from the perspective of the intended parents – their desire for a child and why this is so important for them. If you can think about it from that perspective, you can begin to understand why it’s so important for your wife to be doing this. Being a surrogate is a very selfless act, and you have to have a very selfless attitude going into this journey. It requires you to essentially put your life on hold for a while. The other piece of advice I would offer is to be open to the potential friendships that can happen. It doesn’t happen with everyone, but if you are open to it and take the time to get the know the intended parents, you can definitely develop some lifelong connections.
Blake: My advice is to focus on the gift you are giving someone. As I mentioned, when we started this journey, I thought it was a cool thing to do, but I had no idea of the scope of the impact we were making for another family. As parent, I know how it feels to love your kids and be willing to do anything for them. To give that gift to someone else and help them build their family – I can’t think of a better way to
be a blessing to someone.